Public Remand (bunnyreaper) wrote in ljcomedy,
Public Remand

I have been told that this on-going script is fucking hilarious so meh...

Scene 1

Narrator: Hello…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
Thank you

(Asparagus falls down onto him and explodes)


Fred: That was interesting...

Tree: Damn straight...

Fred: you’re allergic to fire arent you...

Tree: Yes I am

Fire: hahahahahahahahah

Tree: oh look its fire the amazing fig tree

Fire: I am not a fig tree....

all: Your not... but I thought with the red flames and evil glint in your eye that you must be a fig tree...

Fire: no I am not a fig tree at all, I am potato tree

all: oh

Fire you not amazed astonished maybe slightly confused?

All: no

Tree: Hello ALL fancy meeting you here

All: fuck off you small grain of sand

Tree: mutt

exit everything

Tree: bye everything

Scene 3

Fred, Gomp1 and fire are walking out of a Nazi concentration camp...none of them know what they were there fore...Gomp1 has a cloning device....

Gomp1: Using this I can open pineapples with the mere thought! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Fire: Gomp1, that is not a toy, you must only use it to play "how to kill everything" the game like we learned inside!

Gomp wanders off to sulk and by dramatic coincidence tree appears as a toothbrush

Fred: oh look a toothbrush!

Fire: (NOT LISTENING) I think that place was a bit mean to everything, sure he's a hermaphrodite but why were all the German, American and English plans to mainly kill it?


All: Ominous Voice is you there?

Ominous Voice: .............No...

All: O.k.

(Fred wanders over to where Gomp1 is lying)

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

Fred: r you dead yet?

Gomp1: N0

(Fred picks up cloning device and inadvertently kills Gomp1 unaware that it is in fact switched on)

(Fred turns into some cheese)

(Fred flies to the moon)

(tree turns into a large mango with legs)

Tree: Yawn

all: "yawn"? What do you mean by that? You incessant pig dog

Tree: are you Albanian?

All: NO!

(Gomp1 returns from the dead with an identical twin)

Gomp2: You...I don't know what I’m doing?

(Fred RETURNS as a cheese turns into 2 bowls of yogurt and disappears again)

Ybrik the Kirby look alike: I Want ice cream


Ybrik the Kirby look alike: Not that ice cream

(Giant purple lemming enters and explodes)

Tree: ...he...hehehe...hehehehehehehehheheheh


Scene 4

Fred returned from the moon with a warning...and killed Gomp1 again to prove a point but it did not work and as soon as Gomp1 came out of the cloning device he was ready for heated discussion:

Gomp1: PORK!

Gomp2: KROP!

Gomp1: PORK!

Gomp2: KROP!

Gomp1: PORK!

Gomp2: KROP!

Gomp1: PORK!

Gomp2: KROP!

Gomp1: PORK!

Gomp2: KROP!

Ominous Voice...Wrong the correct answer is rat..............

(Everyone riding Hitler in a Camel fashion)

Everyone: Whoa boy steady now

(Hitler eats and regurgitates everyone several times and turns into chocolate ice cream)

Ybrik: N0! 1 hate you all

(a zebra appears and ybrik flies away to Atlantis)

(Tree as a human appears in an orange penguin)

(Tree turns into God)

Ominous voice: Wrong the correct answer is rat

Tree: Fuck you

(Fred reverts back to his normal thing)

Fred: N0!!!!!! You teh RICE!

(A child like voice booms over the intercom)

Intercom: L-E-T-S P-L-A-Y Y-U-G-I-O-H-!-!-!

Ominous voice: .........Y-U-G-I-O-H SUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX........

(Tree and Fred merge to become one)

Treefred: Oddopet!

Scene 5

(All is walking out of a Dr Who convention dressed like Dr Who with everything and Gomp1)

All: I hate these conventions they always bring out the worst in me...

(Gang of penguin’s appear. they begin to chant)

Penguins: Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy

(Penguins see All and charge towards him breathing fire)

(Gomp1 takes out 2 machine guns and charges towards the penguins, Gomp1 gets set alight and shoots himself in the foot)

Gomp1: FUCK! It’s all your fault you fucking pencil! I shall take my revenge, with this magic toothbrush!


(A crapply drawn dinosaur fly’s out of the top with a brick and begins to kill everything)

Everything: Ow! Stop it!

C.D.Dinosaur: NO!

Everything: Ow! Stop it!

C.D.Dinosaur: NO!

Everything: Ow! Stop it!

C.D.Dinosaur: NO!

Everything: Ow! Stop it!

C.D.Dinosaur: NO!

Everything: Ow! Stop it!

C.D.Dinosaur: NO!

Ominous Voice...YAY! RADIATOR MAN...

Radiator man: Fuck you I hate you all! Go buy your own radiators!

Gomp1: This, will stop, him!

(Gomp1 picks up a yellow jelly baby from the moon and throws it at the crapply drawn dinosaur)

(The dinosaur eats the yellow jelly baby and grows fat and becomes americanised and crushes the entire world)

Meanwhile in Texas:

TreeFred: What was that?

Ybrik: That was my Jelly baby


Gomp2: What is that

Ybrik: this is mi Lollipop

Gomp2: OH

Scene 6

Gomp2 and crapply drawn dinosaur are arguing amongst the ladybirds in a desolate garden made of happy...suddenly they come across a giant pea that tells them there is a better way to settle the differences...

Gomp2: wow its, amazing, I, have, never, seen something as beautiful as this.

Crapply drawn dinosaur: but you have seen me naked!

Gomp2: you’re always naked!

C.D.dinosaur: So...

Gomp2: You don't even have a sexual organ how could you be gay?

C.D.dinosaur: I am not gay...I am just very feminine

Gomp2: yes you are

C.D.dinosaur am not gay...

Gomp2: but I love you

(an Easter egg enters in the background)

(the Easter egg turns into a Hitler )

(the Hitler lays an Easter egg and fly’s away)

C.D.dinosaur:i thought you loved zeal

Gomp2: yes and that to but the feeling I feel for you is a mixture of hate and pestilence

C.D.dinosaur:and that’s love?

gomp2: yes...

(Gomp2 looks at C.D.dinosaur, C.D.dinosaur looks at Gomp2 each with a mix of hate and anger)

(Zeal enters with all and everything but C.D.dinosaur and gomp2 don't notice)

C.D.dinosaur: let’s settle this properly

Gomp2: yes lets

(super smash brothers arena arises out of the sky with Gomp1 riding it)

Gomp1: Finally…

C.D.dinosaur: I choose you Kaiser Chiefs

(The band comes out of the poke ball thing as a picture off Google and prances about)

Gomp2: ok then I choose the offspring

(one band eats Gomp2 and then eats the other)

Scene 7

After winning the band battle C.D.Dinosaur celebrated by drinking cyanide later he announced his quest to the group which consisted of All, Zeal and Gomps1 and 2 who had recently respawned with 50 life armed with the weapons they started the level with. Gomp2 unable to listen to the mockings of his opponent transports the entire group to Spain where he dances merrily.

Zeal: why r we in spa1n?

Ominous voice:...ARE! The WORD is ARE! We are N0T illiterate...

Zeal: Ok

(Zeal flies away to Atlantis)

(cut to Atlantis where zeal turns into a squirrel and turns Atlantis into a hippy town and then explodes)

(Zeal respawns and repeats her actions)

Ybrik: Fuck you, you don’t scare me!

(Hitler enters waving a white flag surrounded by demon hands)

Hitler: I surrender I no longer wish to be persecuted

Gomp1: give us your underwear!

Hitler: ok then, but I want to feel your mushrooms in return!

Gomp1: ok...

(Ice cream enters and eats Hitler spits out his under wear)

Gomp1: yay Hitler flavoured underwear. I can't wait to try these on!

(Gomp1 runs off stage)

C.D.Dinosaur:...Anyway, I wish to go onto the magic moon special ultra nine starred monkey ultra ultra star planet ring ring 57575757575757575757 magic magic magic ultra band tournament ultra ultra!



TreeFred: NO! Go to Albania!!!


(Tree separates from Fred)

Tree: what?

Fred: she said she was a potato


Ominous voice...AWW......


(Gomp2 wets himself)

C.D.DINOSAUR: I will catch it!

PLASTIC B0X: That is mine you cannot have it.

C.D.DINOSAUR: let us battle





Plastic box: I choose you "USHER"

(usher appears out of the poke ball thing and spins around in a circle continuously)

Ominous voice:...........USHER SUX!......

C.D.Dinosaur: I send out "Dodgy"

(Dodgy appears out of the poke ball thing and dances about)

(both bands spin around and there stats appear next to the two bands and Ominous voice and All)

Ominous voice:...USHER SUX! ...

(Thunder bolt strikes Usher, Usher takes 1000000000000000000000pts of damage)

Ominous voice;...YAY!...

Scene 8

(Scene opens Jesus enters, naked, with a censored black strip thing into a press conference)

Jesus: Sorry contrary to popular belief i have resigned my post as "son of god"

Reporter1: But why are you here then?

Jesus: To prove a point

Reporter2: So which religion is right?

Jesus: Why are you asking me?

Reporter2: Well you were the son of God

Jesus: i was illegitimate, and i could never actually become God when he retired, so there were no promotion prospects.

Reporter3: so you’re saying there is a god.

Jesus: No there is no god i just made him up, one more question.

(Reporters look at each other)

Reporter1: How big is your penis?

Jesus: I don't have one, so if that’s it-

Ominous voice: ...Fore!...

(Jesus falls from sky onto Jesus)

Jesus1: who the fuck are you?
(Darth Vader)
Jesus2: Jesus, I am your lover

Jesus1: oh, yes

(Censored strip explodes)

(Camera zooms out onto TV screen)

Ybrik: This TV show sucks!

Breadman: I agree

Fire: I don't care what you think, why are we in Prague?

Breadman: I agree

Fire: Shut up!

Breadman: I agree

(Breadman turns into zeal)

(Crapply drawn dinosaur enters with Gomp2)

(C.D.Dinosaur is out of breath)

Gomp2: I told you to pace yourself

C.D.Dinosaur: but how would i know it was so big?

Zeal: were you watching grass the movie again?

C.D.Dinosaur: Kno, I was watching air masturbating,

Zeal: Again?

C.D.Dinosaur: Yes again, it arouses me.

Zeal: how?

C.D.Dinosaur:...with magic?

Zeal: Oh

Fred: i have found a clue!

Tree: Yay!

Fire: Please DIE!

Tree: No!

Fire: why not?

Tree: I don’t know.

Fire: Read this book, it will help you

( book: why you should die 110 reasons)

(Tree dies)

(Death appears)

Death: another pie mat then

Death's alternate personality: Yes, in-deed

(Death eats tree)

(Death hops off screen)

(All arrives riding a chariot being led by his clones in black leather)

All: is this Iceland?

Canadian: NO

All: yes!

(All fades out and in continually in the background)

Fred: I have a clue!
Fire: a clue for what?

Fred: guess.

Gomp2: A way to stop the hippo's from stealing the wardrobes finest cutlery on there night out with the panda's step cousin the flamingo who sells herself every night to the man behind the bike shed who does not where make up but tells everyone he does because he wants all the little children to say he's sexually incoherent because he was told the cult of dishwashers will praise him by giving him lemon juice grown in the Antarctic if he did so!

Fred: No

C.D.Dinosaur: will it point out the person who has been eating the grass in my front lawn and selling it on eBay!?

Gomp1: you still don't know who does that?

C.D.Dinosaur: NO and its getting wierd, i’m finding notes in the garden containing words that insinuate a sexual nature

(Gomp2 looks away embarrassed)

Fred: no

Zeal: does it tell us the moral of this story?

Breadman: i agree

Gomp2...what moral?

Fred: yes

Scene 9

Narrator: The air particles held there meeting in the usual place, being the mouth of the French Dingo that they found wandering the streets of Sweden on a young September morn, sending his army of 4000 mice to rape and pillage the locals, with there whiskers. The air particles had fiendishly hidden in his left earlobe until all the mice were vanquished in shame as there sexual organs had not been attached securely in the morning before so again The dingo again was forced to wander the streets of Sweden riding his sleigh of noses into the dusk.
(inside the mouth podium surrounded by countless air particles)

Air particle 1: Good morrow fellow air particles, i have called you all here today to rehearse our plan to take over the world!

Air particle 3: So its not the disco?

Air particle 1: No! the disco is tomorrow! we are here to rehearse our mega ultra quiet shush shush don't tell anyone under pain of respiration plan to take over the world.

Air particle 56: so it’s not the disco

Air particle 1: if you are here for the air particle disco dancathon please leave!

(All but five million and six air particles leave)

Air particle 1: what do you want?

Air particle 69: SEX!

Air particle 1: oh, ok then...

(screen fades out onto a barren wasteland complete with desk and computer)

Gomp1: I am bored!

Fire: so? Why do I care? Why am I here? Who are you people?

Fred: I’m me he's him your you...

Fire: oh...

Gomp1: Because i am special!

Fire: no your not, no-one is special we are all drones living in a pointless existence...

(Gomp1 puts on sunglasses)

Fire: now you are special!

(Screen pops up)

Droning voice: well done! you now have the ability to turn invisible! wooh!

Ominous voice:........Mother.......

Gomp2: yay!

Zeal: Let’s go on the internet!

Fred: why? whats on the internet?

(C.D.Dinosaur appears on top of screen on broccoli and slowly falls down the page)

C.D.Dinosaur: P-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-R

(Screen cuts off and is replaced witha black board with censored written on it lift music plays)

(Screen reverts back to normal)


(Broccoli now at the bottom of the page explodes)

Gomp2: Spoon-noun-not used to pick up toilets,ducks,grass.watermelons,vegans,firemen,britney spears, the letter f,4,4,4,4,4,4

(Mooxo enters)

Mooxo:would you like to see a magic trick, its for television!

All: what kind of television?

Mooxo: my television! Don’t worry mikes over there and if anything goes wrong he will arrive in the nick of time to save you!

Zeal: wheres my beard?

(Box parachutes down and a beard flies out)

Everything: yay! My dreams have come true!

(Beard turns to all)

Beard: will you marry me?

All: No

Beard: i was not talking to you!

Mooxo: Yes my darling I shall

(Superman flies onto screen picks up Mooxo and beard and flies off screen)

Zeal: that is my beard!

Hitl3r: here have mine!

(Hitl3rs moustache flies around and lands on Zeal arm)

Zeal: I must comb it!

Fred: we must go onto the internet and have "FUN"!

Fire: why? Can't we just wallow in self pity?

Fred: ok

to be continued...
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